The Fake Respect Inside African Marriages
At first glance, everything looks perfect. The couple sits side by side at church, she serves him food with both hands, he thanks her in public, and visitors leave saying, “They respect each other so much.” But behind those walls, many African marriages are held together not by genuine understanding or care, but by a rehearsed script. A script written by culture, edited by fear, and directed by expectations.
Fake respect is not loud. It is quiet, polished, and well-dressed. But it suffocates. It keeps people playing roles instead of being real. Let’s talk about what this looks like and how it silently chips away at love.
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1. The Illusion of Harmony
In many homes, respect is shown by silence. A wife does not question her husband’s decisions, not because she agrees, but because she has learned that asking “why” makes her look disrespectful. A husband doesn’t ask about his wife’s feelings, not because he doesn’t care, but because he was taught that real men don’t talk too much. So they perform. He nods, she smiles, but no one speaks honestly. Over time, the silence becomes their language. And the love? It gets buried under quiet resentment.
2. Fear Disguised as Honour
Many women are praised for being “well-behaved wives.” But what does that mean? Many times, she holds it in, even when it hurts deeply. She lets things go even when she shouldn’t. She tolerates insults, cheating, or emotional distance because she believes that speaking up would make her a “bad wife.”
This is not honour. It is fear. A fear of being blamed, of being told, “You don’t respect your husband.” That fear hides in many African homes, dressed up as obedience, but it’s emotional suppression.
3. Men Trapped in Ego
Some men are taught that being respected means being obeyed without question. To them, the wife becomes someone to lead, not someone to walk beside. They see them as followers. When their wives share a different opinion, they don’t hear it as love or intelligence. They hear it as a challenge. To protect their ego, they shut down. They become emotionally distant. And they confuse that distance with authority. It isn’t true respect. It’s a fear of letting go of power.
4. The Role of Religion and Culture
Across much of Africa, marriage is not just between two people. It is closely tied to culture and faith, shaping how couples are expected to live, love, and relate to each other. But sometimes, they are used more like a stick than a guide. A wife is reminded to submit, but the husband is not reminded to love. A husband is honored in public, even if he humiliates his wife in private.
Teachings are cherry-picked. Culture becomes a weapon. And “respect” becomes something that is demanded, not earned. In these cases, religion is not the problem. The way it is twisted to benefit one person over another is.
5. Respect Without Friendship
Some African couples are not friends. They are co-parents, co-owners of a home, or simply cohabitants. They don’t laugh together anymore. They don’t talk about their fears, their dreams, or even their favorite memories. But they still follow the script.
She lowers herself to greet him with respect, and he takes care of the household expenses. She cooks, he thanks her. But beneath it, there’s no warmth. No genuine connection. Just rituals passed down from their parents. Respect becomes routine. Friendship dies quietly in the corner.
6. Image Over Intimacy
When you ask people about certain marriages, you hear: “That couple? They are so respectful of each other!” But how do they know? Most are judging from Instagram, from family gatherings, or from one-hour visits.
In private, many women cry themselves to sleep. Many men feel lonely in their own homes. But no one talks. Because respect, in this version of marriage, is more about looking good than being good to each other.
7. Survival in Disguise
She smiles when she’s boiling inside. She praises him when he embarrasses her. She agrees with things that break her spirit. She’s not weak. She’s just learned that being honest can lead to pain. Speaking up might lead to punishment, public shame, or even violence.
This kind of respect is not mutual; it’s survival. It’s a quiet negotiation for peace in a home where the truth is dangerous. And to outsiders, it still looks like love. That’s how deeply fake respect can hide what’s going on.
8. Family Pressure to Pretend
In many African homes, the respect a couple shows each other is not for each other; it’s for the parents, the in-laws, and the extended family watching from the sidelines. Even when the marriage is hurting, the pressure to “keep the family name clean” forces couples to act.
A wife might hide mistreatment just to avoid her family’s shame. A husband might stay silent about his loneliness to keep his masculine image. The marriage starts to feel like something they’re managing for the family, not something they’re building for themselves. And what looks like mutual respect is just shared fear of disappointing the clan.
9. Respect That Protects Abuse
One of the most painful truths is that fake respect often covers real harm. In many African marriages, emotional, verbal, or even physical abuse is allowed to continue because “we don’t talk about such things outside.” The victim is told to be “strong,” “patient,” and “respectful.”
The abuser hides behind tradition. The abused hides behind silence. Outsiders praise their dignity. Inside, someone is bleeding. And because the marriage still looks respectful on the surface, no one asks deeper questions. Respect becomes a shield, not for the people, but for the problem.
10. Children Life
When children grow up watching fake respect between their parents, they learn to fear the truth. They see love as duty, not joy. They watch their mother shrink herself in the name of peace. They grow up watching their father issue orders, and everyone calls it being a man.
So when they grow up, they repeat the same pattern. They either settle for surface-level love or rebel completely. Either way, the cycle continues. Fake respect doesn’t just affect the couple; it spills into the next generation. And soon, pretending becomes tradition.
Closing Thoughts
It’s easy to mistake fear for respect. It’s easy to confuse performance with peace. But true love and respect are not about obeying scripts. They’re meant to grow trust, deepen friendship, and create a space where both people have a voice. African marriages have deep beauty, but they also need deep honesty. We owe it to ourselves, to our children, and to each other to stop pretending and start living.
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